Giving up the cure

“Because there is no magical cure. There is no time machine. There is only the revolutionary act of being fat and happy in a world that tells you that’s impossible.”

from Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong by Michael Hobbes

I went on my first voluntary diet at 17, the summer before I went to college. I weighed 180 pounds at 5’5″, and my family doctor suggested counting calories; 1000 calories a day should be enough at my age and height, she said. Then I’d lose the extra weight.

Me, 16-ish. Fat.

I remember being distraught. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought of myself as “fat”, far from it. That happened in fourth grade at a class pool party, where I spent most of the time worrying about how my thighs looked in my bathing suit.

But it was the first time my shame had been laid out in medical terms, the first time it was implied this was something I could control, and the first time I felt an urgent need — no, an obligation — to fix my body.

My mom — having struggled with her own weight and wanting to help — gave me her Weight Watchers guidebook and promised to count calories along with me for moral support. The message: You don’t have to do this alone…but you should do it.

I don’t mean to single out my mom, because similar implications came from all sides. My dad, as I reached for a second helping: “Do you really need that?” My grandmother, brushing my hand away from the M&M bowl after dinner. The kid who sat behind me in sixth-grade homeroom and laughed: “Whoa, your arms are huge!”

I often wonder what my body would look like if I hadn’t started that first diet. If the inevitable failure of that and all the ones that came after had not steadily added pounds to my belly, my thighs, my arms, my legs. Had I ignored my well-meaning doctor’s prescription and carried on with my 180-pound self.

Me, 35-ish. Much fatter.

Did feeding the fire of shame give me the body I have today? Would ignoring it have done any good? Or would a love of food and a specific genetic makeup have made this body inevitable? I’ll never know, but it’s something I think about a lot lately.

Ellie entered fourth grade this year. It hasn’t escaped me that she’s developing. She has a tummy. She has a butt. She has thick thighs.

She’s perfect, and I am loathe to let a doctor or anyone else tell her otherwise.

She’s unselfconscious about her body now, but I wonder when she’ll start to look at other girls and compare. I wonder how it will shake out the first time a classmate points out her round belly and makes a cruel comment; if she’ll let it roll off her shoulders, or if she’ll internalize it for the rest of her life.

I know there is only so much I can do. I know my words will fall on deaf ears; that it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she’s brainy and witty and capable, she’ll eventually hear whispers about her body — from peers, from doctors, from media, from herself — and how it doesn’t match up to some unattainable standard of what a body should look like.

I can use the word “fat” as a simple adjective, I can call myself fat without a hint of shame, and I can dance around in my fat body in front of my daughters and know that my attempts to normalize my right to enjoy this body won’t be enough to stem the tide of conflicting messages.

They already aren’t enough. The kids jiggle my tummy and note my roundness, watching me carefully for some sign of hurt or rebuke, giggling as though they’re getting away with something naughty. The pediatrician’s eyes widened when I used the f-word at Ellie’s last appointment, her hands clenching as though she wanted to clap them over my mouth.

Of all the things my body can do, it can’t physically shield my kids from a world that, at best, misunderstands and, at worst, despises fat people.

I don’t know how this plays out, as Ellie rockets toward pre-teen-hood and Gwen follows not far behind. Even if they dodge the proverbial genetic bullet and grow up to wear straight sizes, they’ll still have a fat mom. In looking through this warped lens, will they come to see me with disgust, shame, or embarrassment?

(Maybe I worry for nothing, but being fat has dominated my inner monologue for twenty-five years; why stop now?)

I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t approached my body like a battle and lost, over and over again. I have no regrets, but the relief in letting go of the fight has been so sweet.

The world says I need to keep fighting. The world says “maybe try just one more diet, this time will be different”, but that’s a lie. I hope my kids see through it sooner than I did.

Fall 2018

Oh, hello. It’s been a long winter, huh?

What do you mean, “It’s not winter yet”? The drifts of snow on the ground say otherwise.

I’m ready to hibernate, so here are some photos from the days way back when everything wasn’t covered in the white stuff.

And this is what our front yard looked like at the end of October:

Oh, hey, winter. You’re early.

2018 Automattic Grand Meetup, Orlando, Florida

What a week! From the guest speakers to an advanced development class to meeting new people to Harry Potter world to playing Pokémon to touring Disney Springs, it’s hard to say what was the best part of this year’s Automattic Grand Meetup.

I tried to split my time between my new team and my old team when I wasn’t attending class or various presentations and sessions. These events have gotten so huge that it takes some serious effort to find and hug every person I know over the course of the week, let alone have meaningful conversations.

I made new friends raiding in Pokémon Go, and spent most of my downtime wandering around Disney Springs. I had a great one-on-one with my new squad lead at the Star Wars VR experience, and now I think all one-on-ones should involve shooting Stormtroopers. XD

Automattic arranged a special event dinner at Harry Potter World at Universal Studios mid-week. That in itself was impressive, but the afterparty remained my favorite. Epcot fireworks, the ever-present photo booth, and the Automattician-powered band was a great way to round out the week. Just when you think your colleagues couldn’t get any more brilliant, they get on stage and blow you away with musical talent.

And of course, there are the pictures; my favorite souvenirs:


Patented Gwennie smirk

Seven years ago today, I was feeling pretty miserable. I was a week overdue with a pregnancy that had been a long slog, and I’d developed a cold that kept me up in the wee hours. My midwife prescribed me antibiotics and Tylenol PM, and I went to bed that night hoping to get a good night’s sleep.

Then my water broke.

The next morning, Gwen entered our lives like a superhero, with one little fist raised in protest. She’s been our little fighter ever since.

Dat sass

Gwen is our wild child, our goofball, our daredevil. Her imagination knows no bounds, her stories are endless and filled with dramatic delights. Murderous villains, triumphant superheroes, bullies, and best friends. One day she’s a puppy or a kitten or a bunny rabbit, and we’re hard-pressed to convince her to break character to do mundane things like eat or do chores or homework.

Tending to her kitty.

She builds amazing things out of LEGOs and plays with them for hours. She eats ketchup on everything, and by everything, I mean one of the three foods that’s currently in her Acceptable Foods rotation, which changes on a daily basis. She’s her big sister’s best friend. She loves to be tickled until she can’t breathe, and then she’ll catch her breath and beg for more.

Future engineer

Gwen does everything with gusto. Sometimes her love is so fierce, it physically hurts. She throws herself into my lap like a canon ball, squeezes tight with her arms around my neck like a vise. She’s loud; we have yet to find her volume control switch. She’s told me she’s meant to be a monkey who lives in the trees, that she’s too wild to be contained in our house — then she says, “I’m not a nature girl” when I tell her to go outside and play.

The Incredible Sulk

Gwen is the kid who makes me laugh when I’m not supposed to laugh, who makes me question everything I’m doing as a parent, who brings me to the edge of patience and tips me over just to see how I’ll react. She learns the hard way, over and over and over.

She’s the reigning champion of the time-out corner.

Oh, this face. This sweet little face.

Her hair still smells a little like it did when she was a baby. She still reaches for my hand when we cross a busy parking lot. She crawls into bed with us and tucks herself under Tim’s arm, and her face still shows faint traces of babyhood when she sleeps. She still has my whole dang heart. 

serious cute
Once upon a time, there was a tiny baby who grew up to be mine.

Happy birthday, Guinevere. May we survive your tenacity so it can serve you well, as you do all the big, dramatic things you dream up.

Adventures in Crafting: Hand-lettering edition

My super-talented colleague, Cristel, recently gave a presentation on hand lettering to a group of us at work, and I was inspired to give it a try. I’ve done lettering in Illustrator before, but never with pen to paper.

I happened to have these Sharpie brush pens on hand — Tim loves office supplies so there is no end to the number and type of pens in his desk at any given time — but after trying them out, I realized my kids “borrowed” them and used them to color. They were dry. :-/ So I ordered some new ones from Amazon (along with some practice paper), but they were delayed by weather. Double bummer.

We were shopping for birthday supplies at Walmart this weekend and I found this big ol’ box of 50 Crayola “Super Tips” for $7. Thanks to YouTube (because you can learn how to do just about anything on YouTube), I know that Crayolas are recommended for practicing brush letters since they’re cheap and easy to find. Practice problem: solved.

So now I have a cheap graph paper notebook that’s full of pages like this:

I’ve noticed some improvement in controlling the pen since I’ve started practicing, and it’s easy enough to find time; a five-minute break is enough time to write out a word or two, or practice individual letters or shapes. I don’t really like my k’s, w’s, or B’s yet, and round shapes like o’s and a’s still trip me up.

If I keep this up, I’ll reward myself for daily practice with a set of better quality pens. This will also help make my digital lettering better, since now I have a better sense of which strokes should be thick or thin!