feeling the burnout

Hi, hello, yes. It’s been a long winter. Spring has finally sprung, the grass is bright green, and the apple trees are blossoming. New beginnings are just around the corner; I’m starting to see the light at the end of the pandemic-shaped tunnel.

All this new energy leaves us restless with the status quo. My kids have zero interest in school right now. Truth be told, neither do we; juggling two jobs and two kids’ school schedules is for the birds. Even our sweet Ellie, the geeky powerhouse she is, is complaining of Zoom fatigue.

It does not help that we planned a vacation, and now that brief five-day stretch in mid-June is top of mind for everyone in this house. You can practically feel the desperation for a change of scenery rolling off us in waves. It’s not even an elaborate thing; we’re spending a few days at a hotel in Bar Harbor. Hardly unfamiliar territory, but boy, you’d think we were getting ready to jet off to Europe. We’re researching restaurants and tours and shopping, and yes, we’ve left plenty of down time in the middle to hang out at the pool.

I even booked a massage. I AM SO READY.

Then, in the excitement and haze of vacation planning (vacation! planning!) Tim suggested we should do something just for the two of us, so I found the cutest oceanside resort and put a down payment on a long weekend in August. We may not make it to Canada this year, but damn it, we’re not staying home all summer.

Meanwhile, I paint every day whether I feel like it or not. It’s been five months of that, and I see a little progress. I would like to get to the point, skill-wise, where there are fewer happy accidents and more conscientious, consistent outcomes…but I’ll take the happy accidents for now. 🙂

I’ve also taken up cooking, which is wholly unlike me. We subscribed to Hello Fresh (discount code in case you want to try it, too) a couple weeks ago, and I find prepping and making a meal after my work day is a nice way to decompress. I actually look forward to it! Both making the food and eating the food. 🙂 Plus it gets me out of dish duty, haha.

closer to fine

I thought I last wrote maybe a week ago? But time marches fast, because it’s been over a month since my last post. There’s just so much going on!

I changed teams at work, shifting from design to development, so I’m having all the impostor syndrome feels. I’m keeping my head above water, but it will probably be a few more months of floundering before I shake it off. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Several of my favorite work people have left in the last few months (over the last year or two, really), which is pretty depressing.

Tim started a new job last week, working as a software engineer at Wirecutter. I’m super proud of him; interviews and code tests were his full-time job for a while there, and I know how much stress that caused, but as a long-time Wirecutter fan, he’s basically found his dream job (again). We’re re-learning how to assimilate two jobs into our daily life, with the added bonus of juggling the kids’ schoolwork. I miss my house-husband, but having two incomes means less pressure on me, more work done on the house, more family vacations. It’s a great thing for our family, and as with everything, it will take time to adjust.

I also got vaccinated this month! I got the J&J one-time vaccine just before they stopped giving it. So far no negative side effects, although I did spend the day after the shot in bed and whiny. All in the name of boosted immunity! But with the prevalence of new variants, we’re still playing it safe. The kids’ school closed down to in-person learning for the first time since December last week due to a COVID case, if we needed any proof that we’re not out of the woods yet.

In less gloomy news, I set up a painting table in my office so I have a dedicated workspace for making art. It’s much more inspiring than my dining room table:

I’m still painting every day, and I bought a scanner so I can turn some of my paintings into prints. You can follow along with my progress on Instagram.

Finally, last week I traveled for the first time in over a year, with a last-minute road trip to upstate New York. Unfortunately the circumstances weren’t so happy, but I spent some quality time with Mom, and saw my aunts and uncle for the first time since my brother’s wedding.

I was wondering why I felt a bit unmoored (can I use that word without it sounding like a pun? No, not really) and overwhelmed this week, but then I look back at the last month, and I guess I have good reason to. We’re coming up on the sixth anniversary of Dad’s death; this time of year will always feel a little rough, even in the best of times, which these are not. There’s still a pandemic, there’s still injustice and unrest, and the new normal is still pretty fuzzy.

So yeah, good things are happening…but I’m tired, y’all.

a year in pandemic-land

Hello! I am alive, and my brain is very, very full. I am not feeling eloquent, but I should write things so I don’t completely forget how to human.

We’ve been mostly at home for a full year.

I ate inside a restaurant for the first time last week, with a friend I hadn’t seen since 2019. It was so good to sit in a public space and chat over food and drinks. The menu was overwhelming. I could have had anything! A sandwich! A panini! Soup!

I ordered…pizza. The thing we’ve had for takeout every other week since the pandemic started.

You see? I have forgotten how to human. Remember travel? Remember unmasked faces? That’s OK, I don’t, either.

I’m studying for a role change at work, which means I wake up thinking about algorithms and Redux. I look at games online and wonder how they’re coded. Then I close my laptop and pick up my paintbrushes.

I’m still experimenting, scratching that creative itch every day. It feels so good to doodle again, to feel that creative energy and the satisfaction of making things. I, a 38-year-old woman, have to resist the urge to show everyone in the house my latest paintings. “See? See what I made?? Look!!” I stop short of hanging my art on the fridge.

Thankfully that’s what Instagram and this blog is for.

Meanwhile, life is creeping toward normalcy. My mom got her first dose of the COVID vaccine this month, and the Maine government suggests Tim and I will be eligible in June. The weather is getting warmer (albeit slowly). We’ve entered the last trimester of school, and will probably send the kids back to in-person schooling in the fall. Tim is interviewing for remote work positions. The eldest is tentatively scheduled to go to camp this summer, and we’re hopeful they’ll open the Canadian border so we can visit the Maritime provinces and have some semblance of a vacation this year.

Things are looking up!

practice makes practice

Winter can be a dull slog, so I’m painting all the flowers in all the pretty colors.

Playing with watercolors after work and during breaks is my new favorite thing. My Animal Crossing island is feeling woefully neglected since I picked up these brush pens. (Also discovered buying watercolor supplies is addictive. So many brushes! So many paints!)

We’re almost finished watching The X-Files for the fifth time (maybe sixth? I don’t really know). We skipped season 9, because I can’t enjoy the series without Mulder. I’d forgotten how *bad* season 10 was.

I also taught myself how to solve a Rubik’s cube! So I can add that to my resumé of useless skills. Like I said, winter is a slog; anything I can do to relieve the brain boredom is a good thing. Which reminds me, time to learn that Animaniacs song about the states and their capitals…

the spark

I picked up some new art supplies on a whim, in hopes it might inspire me to keep up a regular creative routine. I’ve been pretty consistent about sketching or painting on my iPad, but using actual watercolors is a whole new thing. Practicing in Procreate has helped my brush control, though. This was my first watercolor in the new notepad and I was surprised at how well it turned out.

covid celebrations

Christmas was only a little weird with the absence of extended family, but we made it work with Zoom and texting. We stuck to the usual traditions: Spent a little too much, ate a little too much, drank a little too much. It was a nice, relaxed holiday at home.

We also celebrated Ellie’s 12th birthday in December! Holy carp, where did the years go? How did our little bundle of mad cackles and songs turn into such a thoughtful, loving young lady? Well, OK, she’s still full of mad cackles and songs, as evidenced by our New Year’s photos:

It’s rare to catch her without headphones on; watching crafting videos on YouTube or listening to the Stardew Valley soundtrack on repeat, I suspect. She’s caught on to the fact that working from home means wearing a sweatshirt every day so your classmates don’t see you’re still in pajamas. Despite spending most of her 11th year in pandemic hell, she’s still our big girl, our bright-eyed kid.

And I missed Gwen’s birthday back in September; second child syndrome strikes again. Gwen is our wild child with boundless energy, whose every emotion is multiplied tenfold. Of all of us, she’s probably been most deeply affected by COVID. Even though she’s doing well in school, she misses her friends and her freedom. She wants to go places and do things, and our tiny bubble is, well, tiny. She’s found some solace in cooperative games like Animal Jam, and diving deep into the world of Pokémon.

We’re all gaming a lot these days (*cough* Stardew Valley, Among Us, Cards of Darkness, the NYT Spelling Bee, Animal Crossing, and something called Phogs *cough*), with the exception of Tim, who has taken up a mantle of household maintenance. He’s installed a neat and tidy power outlet system for the TV, added smart switches to some of our existing outlets, and had a three-days-long battle with the sink and dishwasher to re-plumb the whole thing, from which he emerged, victorious. That’s worth celebrating, too.

I have a birthday coming up in a few days, and I expect it will be uneventful. Uneventful is a good thing in times like this.

2020 in review

…and I’m so thankful for that “in review” part.

2020 was our lost year. Most days, I feel like I’m still stuck back in March.

In 2020 we missed out on vacations and socialization and time with friends and family. We spent most of our days at home. Our lives were upended in the strangest ways, from not being able to buy toilet paper, to gaining and losing a second income within the span of four months, to schooling our kids from home.

The year was marked by the sacrifices we made to stay COVID-free, and in that, it was a success. It was hard and weird and tiring, but we’re here. We made it. We’re the lucky ones.

It doesn’t feel triumphant, because the pandemic isn’t over, and the staggering losses we personally avoided are still all too real. It feels weird to talk about the books I read or the art I made (or didn’t, more accurately) or the funny things my kids have done in light of that.

But the good things are there, and recognizing them is part of how I survived this pandemic with my sanity intact. I have an amazing family. I have a great job. We’re in a good place to weather this storm.

Some of 2020’s highlights, in no particular order: Spending time at the lake. Watching Hamilton. Bonding over Animal Crossing. Building LEGOs. Lots of walks. Christmas lights. “Fancy” dinners at my mom’s. New comfy clothes. Rewatching The Office and The X-Files. Weeping a little at Kamala Harris’ acceptance speech. Walking along the canals in Amsterdam. Leveling up my development skills. Pandemic baking. Being swept up by new books. Saying a fond farewell to my therapist of seven years. Watching my kid learn to ride a bike.

Despite the tumultuous year, I am leaving 2020 in a good place. I’m not setting any specific resolutions, but there are a couple areas I want to meditate on.

I want to continue to find a clearer sense of direction at work. I need to remember that staying engaged means challenging myself, even when it feels uncomfortable. I need to remember to look at the big picture and keep my professional goals in mind regardless of what I’m working on in the present moment.

I also want to spend more time in nature. I notice I feel better on the days I get outside, even if it’s only for a few minutes and regardless of the weather.

And I want to draw more. I did very little creative work in 2020; the pandemic threw me off track and I never really recovered my rhythm. But I picked up my iPad and have been doodling nonsense since the start of 2021. Maybe this year it’ll stick!

fuck or treat

My kids will always remember this as the year I put a “Fuck or Treat” sign on our front porch. 🙄🤣 “Help yourself!”

It was nice to have Halloween on a Saturday for once. We made and decorated cupcakes, and Tim set up a candy scavenger hunt in lieu of trick or treating.

The kids dressed up, but I forgot to take photos. They raided our costume collection and made do with some old robes to become an imp (Gwen) and a devil (Ellie). After the festivities, we settled in to play Animal Crossing and watch Beetlegeuse.

And now it’s November, and the election is upon us. It’s been a wild few months, and I’m ready for the year to end. Work is busier than usual, school is A Lot, and political anxiety is a thing. The holidays are coming up, and while it will be nice to have a break, I’m missing my non-immediate family and wishing we could see them over more than a Zoom call.

And then there’s the pandemic, always looming. Cases are on the rise again. We continue to do our part by going out as little as possible and masking up when we do. The kids are managing remote learning OK, although it’s not their favorite thing, it’s definitely more structured than it was last spring. It’s put a lot of pressure on Tim, but we’re lucky he’s able to focus primarily on school; I don’t know how we’d manage if he had a full-time job, too.

I signed off Twitter and Facebook for a bit, mostly because they’re a time-suck, partly because politics are draining enough without having to-the-second updates about what idiotic thing our president has said, and partly because I watched The Social Dilemma and I’m tired of being a slave to the almighty notification bell. I check in once a week to see if anyone has messaged me, and I’m still posting to Instagram, but I’ve noticed my work days are much more productive. (The irony of my working for a social media company is not lost on me.)

Apparently it’s been over two months since I posted anything, so here’s a gallery of goings-on since September.