Tag: family

A letter for Dad

Three Little Birds
We miss you!
Tequila tradition in your honor
Like father, like son.
Summer Party 2015

Dear Dad,

It’s been three months since you passed away, and I’m missing you harder than usual lately. Part of me can’t believe you’re really gone, though enough has changed in your absence that there’s no other explanation.

We had a “happy hour” in your honor at the summer party; you showed up right on time, in the form of a short-lived thunderstorm that drove us all into clusters under the tents. We sang Three Little Birds and Wild Thing. I could picture you playing the guitar alongside our friends and family, but I missed your voice singing along.

The other night, I dreamt I saw your ghost. You walked past the front window and vanished at the porch. It was more comforting to think of you that way, as a spirit; the dreams where you appear alive are harder to process the next morning. So close, and yet not close at all. Sometimes you’re still sick in the dreams, sometimes you’re not. I wake up greedy, wishing I could have more time with you.

Every time I look at the stars, I think of you. Venus and Jupiter appeared next to each other in the sky last month, and I thought you would have loved to see that. It’s the kind of thing that would have brought you outside into the night to look up, held in rapt attention. You were always fascinated by the sky.

I know this sounds morose, but we’re doing OK. You left behind a strong family. We’re not wallowing. Thanks to you, I’ve realized how little time we have, and it’s inspired me to keep going, to do all the things I want to do before it’s too late.

It catches up to me at night, though, and that’s when I write these letters to you in my head. This time, I thought I’d write one for real.

Love you,
Caroline

in june

Did I mention there was wine?
Did I mention there was wine?

The last few months have been a roller coaster of anxiety, sadness, and depression, so it was a relief when things started feeling inexplicably lighter. It comes in waves, I guess, and right now I’m enjoying calm waters.

Tim took the kids to visit their grandparents a couple weeks ago, so I got some impromptu time off. I questioned whether I might miss out on the family fun, but I’m glad I stayed. I can’t remember the last time I was truly alone for more than a few hours at a stretch, with the exception of traveling for work. I spent the time in the most mundane ways — napping, grocery shopping, making food, watching movies, plucking away at that third book. It was basically the perfect weekend.

Gillian Anderson as Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named DesireI also started planning a trip to New York City for next spring, an early Mother’s Day gift to myself. A Streetcar Named Desire is coming to the city in April, and I bought tickets on a whim. Gillian Anderson plays Blanche, and seeing her in a live production is an experience I can’t miss. I haven’t been to NYC since I was a kid, so I plan to take a couple days to explore as well.

Then I discovered GA is coming to Boston Comic Con in August, so guess who’s going to her first-ever comic con? This gal! We’re not sure yet if I’ll fly down for the day, or if Tim and I will make a longer trip of it with the kids. I’m leaning toward taking vacation and spending a few days in Boston as a family; my brother has graciously offered us his guest room, so our lodging is free! Gwen is old enough to enjoy the science museum and the aquarium, and Ellie will get a kick out of meeting “Scully”.

"Work from anywhere? Just *try* to work from anywhere, you mean."
“Work from anywhere? Just *try* to work from anywhere, you mean.”

We’re on month four without a nanny or sitter, and working alongside an active three-year-old for most of the day has been interesting, but not impossible. I’m surprised I’ve gotten anything done at all, frankly. My expectations going into this were low. But the real challenge began earlier this month; Ellie started summer vacation!

Having both kids at home has been surprisingly OK. Ellie is good about finding creative ways to spend her time. So far we’ve built a lot of LEGOs, she and Gwen made up a play (El even designed and built the set out of cardboard boxes), and Ellie comes up with all sorts of games and stories. If anything, having her here makes it easier, giving Gwen a full-time playmate. I am so glad they get along.

Making a splash
Making a splash

On weekends we try to get out of the house; we’ve spent some time at the lake, took a trip to Bangor, and eaten more than our fair share of ice cream. So far, summer is off to a good start.

In terms of work, I’ve been so focused on home stuff that I’m feeling a bit disconnected, operating on autopilot. Grief is like a big glass wall; you can see everyone on the other side, and you can talk to them, but there’s this muted quality to everything. I’ve also been in something of a creative rut. Thankfully this seems to be mild. I’ve been working on a new WordPress theme which has reminded me how much better I feel when I’m making things.

I’m also distracting myself with X-Files geekiness and working on my book, which has almost finished a second edit. It’s been a long process, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve also been mulling over a post on fandom and my experience as a fan, in light of the upcoming X-Files revival.

The hard part

When all the food is eaten and the cards are opened and the obituary is published and the belongings are divided and the shock has worn off and the visitors have come and gone, you’re left with the same problem that all of these distractions can’t touch: The person you loved is gone. Maybe not in spirit, but in body, and you miss them harder without the noise and bustle of everyone else’s grief around you.

I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye. I hear his laugh in someone else’s voice. I have the fleeting thought, “Dad would love this, I should tell him…” before I remember I can’t share it with him.

I’m all too familiar with depression, but this time the source isn’t a chemical ghost haunting my brain. I can’t go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow will be better, that the glitch in my system will reverse itself with rest.

Instead, I hope for a good day rather than a bad one. I remind myself that it will take time — it’s only been two weeks, after all.

I shower and dress, brush my teeth, and make coffee. I watch comedies and try not to think about how much he’d laugh at them. I browse Facebook and startle when I see his photo pop up in my notifications. I plan an upcoming work trip and tend to sick kids and make shopping lists.

Getting through a loved one’s death is hard, for sure, but living after death is harder. Taking what I’ve learned and using it, rather than wallowing. Trying to move forward, even though I’m not quite ready to stop looking back.

Now comes the hard part.

A lesson in loss

It’s been a rough month.

A few weeks ago, my dad went to the doctor to treat a mild cough. An X-ray revealed a mass in his lung, and after multiple follow-ups, what we thought was a lingering virus is actually advanced lung cancer. We’ve gone from a pesky cough to hospice in a matter of weeks.

He’s a lifelong on-and-off smoker, but in that illogical way people have when faced with dire events, I never thought this would happen. The uncertainty of not knowing how long he’ll be with us has made for many ups and downs.

My relationship with my father (like most relationships) is complex, but I have always been able to count on his love and support. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to imagine what life will look like without him.

Dad has always encouraged my creative efforts — from singing, to writing terrible poetry, to karate lessons, to drawing and photography. He gave me my first film camera — his old Pentax ME — and his Time-Life photography books.

Dad is the one who knew I would be a web developer, long before “web developer” was a common profession. What I saw as a frivolous hobby of playing with code on the fledgling web, he saw as a potential career.

He introduced my brother and me to video games like Myst and Prince of Persia and Sim City, and I am strangely proud to say I’ve raided Molten Core alongside him.

My taste in music is questionable, but I like to think the few rock-solid influences — Tom Petty, Eric Clapton, Neil Young, to name a few — can be attributed to his good taste. Some of my favorite childhood memories involve singing folk songs with my family around the kitchen table while Dad played guitar.

Most poignant is how he and my mom have shown me what 37 years of commitment looks like — loving, respectful, imperfect friendship — something that’s framed all my relationships as an adult for the better.

When I was 11 or 12, I went through this phase where I clung to my father’s arm and called him “Daddy”. I’m not sure what it was about; a last-ditch effort to hang onto my own babyhood, I suppose. My dad was bemused by the extra attention, eventually I grew out of it, and that was that.

That girl is still part of me. She wants me to stomp my foot and selfishly declare that he is not allowed to die, that she is not done with him, that this is not fair.

But I’m 32, not 12, so writing this is as close to a tantrum as I’ll get.

The truth is that people die. All the time. Even my dad.

I suppose the last lesson a parent teaches a child is about loss. How to endure it, survive it, and live without.

I’m not ready to learn this one.

Christmas craftiness

I went a little nuts making ornaments this year. I blame Pinterest, taunting me with all its “easy” tutorials and perfectly composed photographs.

We have boxes full of ornaments for the tree, so it’s not like we need more shiny, dangly things, but I just couldn’t resist. I bought far too many crafting supplies, got hooked on scrapbook paper (so. much. cute), and only burned myself with the glue gun once.

The results speak for themselves:

Origami stars
Skeleton keys
Bottle cap snowmen
Rainbow button tree
More button figures
Mr. Owl
Button ball!
Bottle cap dangly thingees

This year’s binge also gave me ideas for gifts for next year, and gave Ellie and I something fun and creative to do together; definitely worth the money and time spent.

Christmas!

What a perfect day. Quiet time with family, the excitement of opening gifts, fun playing with new toys, yummy cookies and food — we really couldn’t ask for more.

Pyramid
Festive!
The shocked Christmas banana is a thing in this family
Frosting cookies
There’s a cookie under the sprinkles, somewhere…
Handmade ornaments
Cookies and Canadian beer for Santa
Quiet Christmas morning
We were up before the kids!
New PJ’s!
LEGO building
Breakfast with Uncle J
Playing with her new Doc Mobile
Elsa goes for a ride with the Doc
Playing with her sister’s LEGOs
Tim’s new toy
Moar LEGO
Time to engineer with Goldie
Hovercraft as evening entertainment

Happy three to my baby

Three years ago at about this time, my water broke after what felt like eons (read: 41 weeks) of pregnancy, and eight hours later I delivered this charming little monkey:

Gwen and Roar

Of course, at the time, she looked more like this…

Minutes old - photo by Evelyn Conrad (yourbirthconnection.com)

The addition of Miss Guinevere made our family complete.

The whole family -- photo by Evelyn Conrad (yourbirthconnection.com)

It also marked the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My babies

She’s grown too fast, but as I am quick to remind her, she’ll always be my baby girl.

serious cute

Happy birthday, Gwen. Thanks for keeping us on our toes from the beginning. 🙂

Five and Two

I love these photos; they illustrate the girls’ different personalities perfectly.

Ellie is cautious, but still curious, and does everything at her own pace. She refused to touch the frog without pulling her sleeves over her hands, and just look at the reserve-slash-wonder on her face! Priceless.

Gwen is relaxed, not afraid to get her hands dirty, and wild but gentle. Note the mischievous finger-in-the-mouth grin. She was responsible for capturing the frog, and then she kissed it. Twice.

That time of year…

Autumn appears to have arrived in northern Maine a bit earlier than usual. We spent the morning doing yard work. A large branch from one of the apple trees came down, so we salvaged what fruit we could from the ground; most were too tart for good eating, but perfect for baking, so I decided to make a crisp. The house smells like fall.

TBT: Baby Gwen

I never do this, but it’s been a rough day, particularly for the youngest member of the family that isn’t canine. Gwen appears to be having some feels, and some rather intense feels at that, because the last week’s behavior can be summed up in one word: THREE.

She’s approaching that boundary-pushing, limit-testing age that requires infinite patience and consistency. I need a reminder of simpler times to get me through the next epic tantrum-fest.