It’s time for everyone’s favorite game show… Puppy or Toddler!
Hello, folks, I’m your host, Alan Finchmore, and this is Puppy or Toddler, the game show where you try to guess whether the named behavior is that of a puppy or a toddler. It’s harder than you’d think!
Our three contestants are ready to go, so let’s get started with our first question…
Host: Who ripped up tissues and spread them all over the house while I took a shower this morning? Contestant #2?
Contestant #2: The puppy!
Host: Sorry, you are incorrect — that was the toddler, though I’m sure the puppy would have helped if he could. Next question! Who regularly picks up random stuff off the ground and chews on it — puppy or toddler?
Contestant #3: Uh, the puppy?
Host: I’m sorry, that is incorrect — the answer we were looking for was, “the toddler”. Good thing she’s had her tetanus shot, am I right folks? Hah-hah! Moving on! Last night, who woke up at 11 p.m. and howled in her bed, loud enough to wake up the neighborhood — puppy or toddler? Contestant #1?
Contestant #1: What is “the puppy”, Alan!
Host: Relax, Contestant #1, this isn’t Jeopardy. And I’m sorry, that is wrong. The correct answer is “both of them, at the same time.” Wow, you guys really suck at this — hah-hah! OK, next question: Who ate a piece of three-day-old cheddar found underneath the couch — puppy or toddler?
Contestant #1: Oh, gross. It’s gotta be the puppy, right?
Host: Sorry, no, that was actually the preschooler. Trick question, hah-hah! She should know better, amirite? Oh well. Let’s play again: Who regularly gets tangled in her leash during her morning walk — puppy or toddler?
Contestant #2: Umm… I hope it’s the puppy.
Host: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Hah-hah, just kidding! Who would put a leash on a toddler? That’s crazytalk! Yes, Contestant #2, you’re correct! Next question: Who is most likely to play with the Ms. Princess Wets-her-Pants doll — puppy or toddler?
Contestant #1: The toddler?
Host: Oooh, so close, it’s actually the puppy… the toddler’s favorite toy is a Kong full of peanut butter. Sorry. On to our next question: Who peed on the kitchen floor and tracked it through the house — puppy or toddler?
Contestant #2: Uhh… the toddler?
Host: Correct! You’re catching on! Alas, it seems we’ve run out of time. Looking at the final score, congratulations, Contestant #2 — you’ve won Puppy or Toddler! What’s her prize, Jim?
Announcer: Congratulations, Contestant #2! You’ve won your choice of… a puppy or a toddler!
Contestant #2: Umm, I think I’ll take the puppy, Alan.
Host: Excellent choice, excellent! Well, that’s all for today, folks! We’ll see you next time on Puppy or Toddler, the game show that doubles as birth control!
Don’t forget to read to your puppies, and have your toddlers spayed or neutered. Have a good night!